NUMMELA FILMI & PORKKANA RYHMÄ presents
Let's do a tail slate.
This was the last scene of Excalibur 4: The Rod in the Stone.
I just want to tell you all -
that I have taken out a huge loan to finance this film.
My mum, my granny and my ex-wife' ex-mother acted as guarantors.
Thanks, everyone...
The wrap party is cancelled. Fuck you!
Kurre, how was my acting? I think I found the right focus.
It was a penetrating portrayal.
Kurre, wait.
Here' the poster draft for Excalibur 3: The Rod in the Stone.
Not bad, eh? You can see the trolls, the cannibals and the wizard.
This is Excalibur 4. - What?
The first two were Excalibur and Excalibur 2: The Return of the King.
The Return of the G-String? - The King.
The Return of the Dingaling.
This will be awesome. This is good.
Tomi Paatelainen promised to work for us.
He' a great graphic designer. He married our Stina.
Now they're living in our villa in Kallvik.
You lovade to fix the lodge. - I'm busy.
You're always like that! You don't do anything.
Hey, I'm working. I have to make the poster for Excalibur.
Your dad is breathing down my neck. - Then hire a decorator.
I don't know any builders.
Directory enquiries. May I help you? - Mauri Mähönen, Tyrnävä.
Here's a master builder named Monkki Mähönen.
It might be a professional name. - Put me through, please.
Just a moment. - Hello?
This is Tomi Paatelainen, hi. - You little prick. What's up?
I'm in advertisement business. Film posters and graphic design.
Listen, are you still doing renovation jobs?
This place is rotten. It should be torn down.
This is our family villa. One should respect history...
Don't you teach your father to fuck.
Am I not allowed to peek inside the walls?
Stina, let Monkki check the building.
Let's take a look at the structure.
Shit a brick and fuck me with it. It's always like this.
Well, what do you see? - This is full of shit!
Do you smell it?
Your old bass guitar. Have you played recently?
What's the meaning of this? - We're old band mates.
Monkki was the drummer of Cobra. - I should've known.
Hey, cow. Don't you know how good a bassist your hubby is?
Time to make a hole.
We asked you here to fix the lodge.
You can sleep in our sauna. - All right.
For the lodge I have thought... Please, take a look.
A fifties-style wallpaper -
a white panel ceiling and drapes from this fabric.
Shit! That flower stung me! Fucking hell...
Tomi, I have pots and pans in my van. - Pots and pans?
Drums? Really?
Let's put them in the lodge. They'll fit in there.
He' an intolerable oaf. He doesn't listen and calls me a cow.
Darling Stina, he's a man of the people.
You should try to be nice to him.
You forgot the brochures on the porch.
It'd be jättekiva if you could make the lodge a little bit cosier...
Okay, but I need a full case of beer.
Are you going to bring it now or immediately?
Javisst, of course.
Vad is that? I was startled.
Good double bass drumming. Listen.
I'm sure he' not going to play for long at his age.
"He's not going to play for long." He' a tireless... grottman.
What is grottman in Finnish? - A caveman.
It sounded really good. You've always had good drum sounds.
That's right. - Is this the old drum set?
Stina asked me... or rather told me to ask you -
when are you going to begin your work?
Is this a labour camp? - Of course not.
No pressure from me. - How much will you pay me?
Of course we'll pay you. What is your hourly rate?
Do you think I'm gonna count hours? - Of course not.
It's a thousand euros a day. In cash. - That's quite a lot.
Hey, come on, compadre. Your old lady is loaded.
What are these fucking slimeballs?
It's scallop pasta. - It's shit, you trollop!
I want shepherd's pie and sausages before I starve to death.
And bring me the hard stuff.
On the double!
Hey, Monkki. Have some mercy. - "Have some mercy."
Give me some sub. I want an advance on wages.
...5,800, 5,900, 6,000.
Is the lodge going to be ready in time for our crayfish party?
I have a couple of wallpaper choices.
Give me the booze.
Now he stopped. - I'm scared.
You är going to Helsinki tomorrow. I'm stuck here with that monkey man.
Everything' going to be okay.
Did it go through?
What? Are you shagging?
Yuck.
It burns!
My arse is on fire!
Toni Paatelainen. Leave a message.
It's jag. Listen, Tomi...
Mähönen was in our toilet. Luckily, he's gone now.
He took our money. I hope he's not coming tillbaka.
What's the matter, Stina? Are you ill?
No, everything' fine.
Let's play "Wild Beast".
Amazing women by the sea!
Do you have any Coca-Cola? I can't drink this straight.
Stina, they're really nice guys.
Gerhard Rihmakallo is a German mushroom expert -
who moved to Finland in the '80s.
His real name is Gerhard ScheiBenhaus.
He' the king of riffs.
And the singer, David Foster aka Tapio Mäkinen -
is my old schoolmate.
He' working for the municipality of Tyrnävä, marking baseball lines.
How do you know them? - They are Cobra.
Gerhard, you're the brains in your band.
You seem like an intelligent man.
Do you understand Swedish? Talar du svenska?
Okay, let's try German.
Hjälp!
This is a new song, "David's On Fire".
It begins with a massive guitar riff.
The drumming begins with a gong. And it' awesome -
to have our bassist playing with us.
Now the going's so good that I could use a beer.
Välkommen to our traditional crayfish party here in Kallvik.
I have invited a couple of important co-operation partners to join us.
Here' a film director and my dear friend -
Kurt "KurreKurre" von Riikonen.
Maybe you could say something about your fantastic new film, Excalibur 3.
Four.
The film's genre is not just sci-fi. There's also a dash of fantasy.
And here's my dear vän -
the editor-in-chief of The Sensationalist, Julle Rekola.
I've had a gay old time with Julle. Our co-operation has been great.
Kalle, Kurre and everyone -
it' always a great pleasure to be with real men's men -
whether on land, sea or air.
Skål, everyone. To crayfish.
Now I feel we should play "Lizard".
What the helvete is this?
Who the hell are you?
You have no...
Hey, Swede. Shut the fuck up.
Didn't you hear what David said? He said "hush".
David, go ahead. - Gerhard, you had something to say.
Go ahead, Gerhard. - Let's play "Fireball".
My darling lilla Stina will now come with me to talk about your future.
And I'm going to give the Excalibur poster to a good graphic designer.
And Tomi... You're fired.
You have two days to get rid of that riffraff.
Drink some water. Now we're going to calm down...
What are you thinking?
My wife's gone.
Don't you worry. Now we can practice in peace.
Look, it's Leather Jaska, Mullethead and Stud.
But where' Spunk?
There he is! Spunk is coming!
TWO DAYS LATER
What the helvete?!
They're just setting up the gear. The party is tomorrow.
Hey, this guy is causing trouble.
Kalle, you're running wild. Why are you rampaging?
What is happening here? - The guys are setting up the gear.
Cobra is playing tomorrow. - It'll attract over 600 people.
Cobra's concert? - You're dumb as a doorknob.
This is a great place.
Rihmakallo said this point of land is made for festivals.
Just add parking, tents, the stage and a bar.
When we cut down those trees, there's room for 15 to 20,000 people.
A festival? 50,000 people?
The lodge could be used as a jail. Do you want to go to jail, Kalle?
Cow... I mean Stina. - Vad? What?
Why are you always so tense? You're whining day and night.
Tomi is a bass artist.
And don't you worry about the renovation. Spunk will handle it.
I don't have time to do it. I'm a percussion instrument artist.
Are you going to live here? - Absolutely not.
Maybe during the summer and the Christmas season.
Tomi? - Sorry, baby. This is the real me.
You're not coming here.
Go away and come back tomorrow.
Shay what you want. We're coming in. - No, you're not. Shtay away.
Are you making fun of my lishp? - Of cours he not. Shtay away.
He' making fun of you. - Are you making fun of my lishp?
He' making fun of Jouni. - Wanna get your head smashed in?
I'll wipe that shmile off your face. - Please, go away.
He' afraid of you. - Attack!
Have a gingerbread ice cream. - I don't like them.
Have an ice jolly. - That's not real ice cream.
Everyone getsh a choc ice.
I want a choc ice. - I'll have the same.
Me too. - And me.
One choc ice, please. - What has happened to you, Risto?
I fell off my moped in a bend.
One choc ice, please. - You have a black eye and bruises.
I fell off in the same bend. - One choc ice, please.
Pentti, did you crash your ATV in the same bend?
Yeah, it was a pile-up.
It must be one slippery bend. - One choc ice, please.
Jarmo, I guess you crashed your moped in the same bend.
No, we got our arses kicked by a group of heavy metal roadies.
We didn't manage to throw even one punch. Bye.
The men in our village... - Risto is ugly and stupid.
Pentti is fat. Antti is just super annoying.
I bet they're all virgins. - And then there's Jouni.
A pathetic splutterer. - Thinks he's the leader.
Have you noticed how he looks at you? - But he's really small.
Could you imagine being with him? - Not even if he was the last man.
Take a look at their little thingies. They're just a bunch of buffoons.
I'm not buying anything from thish shop.
Jouni, why didn't you buy ice cream?
I'll put plenty of sausages in your fresh sausage soup.
That's nice. I like lumpsh.
COMEDY, DRAMA CRIME
Don't watch your films until dawn.
Then you'll just snooze till afternoon.
What is that movie called? - Shpiderman 3.
Risto, be careful with those. Jouni is calling.
Antti. - Where are you?
What? - Where are you?
We're watching Pentti' dad's cows. - Come to the Shkull Cave.
Okay.
We're going to rob Jushtiina' shop.
What? - We're going to rob Jushtiina' shop.
All the cash and tenderloinsh. - Why?
Becaushe they're fucking with ush.
It's an impossible mission. - I have a plan.
Justiina is going to kill us. - What is this plan of yours?
You've all sheen Harrishon Ford in Witnessh with those Amish guysh.
Me and Antti will go to Justiina's shop dressed ash the Amish.
We'll shurvey the shecurity shystems. There are two shurveillance camerash.
A shecurity guard visitsh Jushtiina's shop at leasht once a day.
He enters through the back door which has a double padlock.
That's a tricky one. But the shop has a weak point: The tin roof.
The ceiling is made of shoft Haltex panelsh. Passh it around.
We're entering through the ceiling. - Justiina will strangle us.
We need a wild bunch. Shpecialists!
Shteven Sheagal, Shylvester Shtallone, Charlesh Bronson and...
...Telly Shavalash!
Where are you going, Rishto? - Mealtime.
It's my mealtime, too. - I'm going for a swim.
Let's go, boys.
Jouni, you have been in your own world recently.
What do you mean?
You haven't mown the lawn or chopped firewood.
And you should clean your room.
This morning, you didn't flush the toilet.
Shorry. - Here's a cucumber sandwich.
Thanksh. - Don't watch films all day.
What is this movie called?
Jouni is calling. Antti.
Where are you? - On the beach.
Immediately to the Shkull Cave. - But I haven't swum yet.
Okay. To the Skull Cave.
I haven't swum yet. - Now.
Boysh, do you know what these are?
Rishto. - They look like suction caps.
Me and Jarmo will climb onto the roof ushing shuction cupsh.
Seems quite difficult. - What do you mean "difficult"?
The wall is not smooth. The suction cups won't work.
They don't adhere to a porous surface.
Bugger. Ish that sho?
Jarmo, why are you naked? - I left my swimming trunks at home.
But why are you naked? - I told him to swim in his underwear.
He didn't have any, so he swam in his shorts.
The shorts came off because the elastic band was too loose -
and he had his keys in his pocket.
Why are you jumping, Jarmo? - I have water in my ear.
Blimey, Jarmo is jumping.
So? - It's whatchamacallit... Parkour!
What's that? - It's city jumping.
You've seen it in Casino Royale.
I'm going to jump like a brown hare onto the tin roof.
Then I'll throw a rope to Jarmo.
Jarmo is not able to climb the wall. - He's going to climb the wall.
Now my ear is empty.
We'll cut a hole in the tin roof with a shide grinder and lower me inshide.
How do you get electricity? - Good point. Let me think.
We can borrow my dad's generator. - We'll use a generator.
Then we can ushe the grinder -
to cut a hole for me.
The ceiling is a piece of cake for me.
Then I'll lower myself into Jushtiina's shop.
But you said that there are two surveillance cameras.
Bugger. That's a good point.
What are we going to do now?
When are we going to go to the shop dressed as the Amish?
Go swimming. Fish out Jarmo's shorts -
and the Shkull Cave's shpare key.
Happy Birthday, Jouni. Have some cake.
Sit down. I'll take a picture.
49 years. When you turn fifty, we'll cut those sideburns.
No way. I'd look stupid.
Matti. - Where are you?
We're driving dougnuts. - To the Shkull Cave.
But I haven't driven the lawnmower. - Now!
Okay.
To the Skull Cave!
Rishto, you'll go to Jushtiina's shop -
and take a photo of the area where the shurveillance camera ish pointed.
The camera records in B & W -
so you musht develop a B & W photo in a dark room.
Then you'll build a mount -
and shecretly hang your photograph -
in front of the shurveillance camera.
But I haven't got a camera. And how do we find a dark room?
Why are you like that? Don't be like that!
We'll fool the shurveillance camera -
sho that I can be lowered into the store.
But what if the security guard is in the shop?
What then? - What are we going to do now?
Pentti, Antti, Rishto and Jarmo, why are you messhing with me?
Jouni, you are messing with us. - Pentti is right.
You have a short fuse. - A short fushe!
Fushe... I figured out how to get rid of the shecurity guard.
Pentti, you know how to weld. - Yeah.
Your mother is coming, Jouni. Terttu is coming.
I brought you marble cake and squash.
What are you planning, boys?
Are you up to your tricks again? - Of course not.
You're such nice boys.
Goodbye. - Thanks for the cake, Terttu.
Thanks. - Thanks, Terttu.
Pentti, you can weld the shop's back door shut.
The shecurity guard can't get in becaushe the door is welded shut -
and he goesh home.
And then I can get inshide Jushtiina' village shop.
You haven't taken into account that Justiina might be in her shop.
Shit.
Jouni! - Yeah?
Your egg sandwich is on the table. Good night.
What are you watching? - All the Batman filmsh.
It's Jouni. Antti. - Where are you?
I'm at home, in bed. - To the Shkull Cave!
What about Rishto, Pentti and Jarmo? - They're not coming.
They said they no longer want to be involved.
Why not?
Pentti doesn't want to borrow his dad's generator all the time.
Jarmo is afraid of the side grinder and the dark room confuses Risto.
Then they said you boss around and don't listen to their ideas.
But they don't have any ideas.
Risto meant that if they had ideas.
What about you? - I have nothing else.
Jouni? - What?
What does "Amish" mean?
Come here, boysh.
Jarmo, do you know what Tupshu shaid about you?
No. - She shaid that you're shtupid.
That's right.
Guess what she shaid about you, Rishto? She shaid you're a virgin.
That's right.
Guess what she shaid about you, Pentti?
She shaid that you're a four-eyed fatsho.
Really? - Justiina made fun of our rides.
What? That' a bit rich! These aren't even finished yet.
Jouni! Jouni! Jouni!
I want to be Shteven Sheagal - I want to be Steven Seagal
I don't want to be Richard Gere - I don't want to be Richard Gere
I want to be Schwarzenegger - I want to be Schwarzenegger
Who wantsh to be Hugh Grant? - Nobody! Nobody!
You know that Justiina is talking crap.
I'm pretty sure that I'm not a virgin.
And Pentti is not fat. He is just heavy.
When we have robbed Jushtiina' shop -
Jushtiina' and Tupshu' livesh will go down the drain.
They'll have to file for pershonal bankruptcy. They'll be poor.
And they will both be begging ush for shex.
Yes, where wash I?
We have eliminated the camerash, out-foxed the shecurity guard -
and now I can once again lower myself into Jushtiina' shop.
Jouni... - What ish it?
What about Justiina and Tupsu? They're in the shop.
Pentti, the answer is Antti. - Antti?
Antti. - What?
We'll shpray Antti with self-tanning lotion and greashe him up.
He'll be our decoy. - What does it mean?
A shtool pigeon.
While Antti flexes his musclesh like Schwarzenegger -
I'm going to rob Jushtiina's shop.
Any questionsh? - Sounds good.
Here are your costumes for the youth society's masked ball.
I don't want to go to a masked ball.
You're going. These are our costumes.
Oh, that's right. - But they're not black.
I think black is such a depressing colour.
And what colour did you ushe? - Different colours.
Bloody hell. I guess we'll have to wear these.
Now it begins.
Antti, have I been all keyed up? - It's nothing. Don't worry.
Jouni, what are we going to do? - Don't ashk me.
Antti?
Men, attack!
Kalle, is the drummer and his band Cobra still living in the villa?
No, they're on tour, in Germany.
When will I get the Excalibur poster?
It's on its way. Just a little longer.
Julle, how is The Sensationalist involved in the marketing?
I've been thinking about a hunting trip.
Let's go and shoot a shitload of bears.
We can do a story about the makers of Excalibur hunting bears.
Pentti! 0h my God! - Do you see that?
What the helvete? - What is this circus?
Wait a moment. I'll take some pictures.
Erkki "Slop Bucket" Sysimetsä, this is how we sell magazines.
Beginner's luck. You just happened to be there.
Don't you get smart with me.
You're writing stories about Keijo-Sinikka's summer cottage.
Sinikka has a gold record. - In the seventies, Sysimetsä!
1973. - You write too much.
People want pictures. Here are some pictures. Look and learn.
This arsehole is Antti Peräkorpi. He was flexing his muscles -
to lure the shop assistants out.
This is Pentti Alakarvasto. He was supposed to weld the back door shut -
but a spark lit him up.
This is Risto Näre.
He was supposed to fool the surveillance camera with a photo.
This is Jarmo Komulainen. They managed to cut a hole in the roof -
but Komulainen got stuck.
This guy is the "brains" of the outfit.
Jouni Hirvi had a panic attack and cried for his mummy in a ditch.
I got the best material -
when the shopkeeper Justiina found out -
that these nitwits tried to rob her shop.
Look at this shit. I just had to start shooting video.
The images are moving. - This is a YouTube hit.
What will happen to those guys? Will they do time?
No, every talk show wants to have them.
They'll be touring in a helicopter and releasing records and books.
Jouni got excited when he heard that they're making a film based on them.
You're fired! Stide, is the fake tits here?
What? - Is the fake tits here?
There she is. Where's Thomas? - Julle.
There's a slight problem with my costume. I don't have the sword...
Kalle! - Vad is it?
Stide is going to take pictures of fake tits and Thomas.
Then Stide will send them to me and I will publish them.
Okay. Go, go, go.
Did you say that I'm fired?
Listen to me, Julle. I began to write for The Sensationalist in the '60s...
Shut up. You're fired.
Now! Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of this building.
Listen... Hey, listen!
Do you remember... Of course not.
But listen... 0ne sunny morning, about fifty years ago -
I was on my way to The Sensationalist offices for the very first time.
It was spring. The air was oozing with eroticism.
Urpo Lehtinen was the editor-in-chief.
He gave me the nickname "Slop Bucket"
Urpo told me to write a feature about the sinful Finnish summer.
At the same time, organ repairman Arvo Hakala -
was leaving his dog with his neighbour for the summer.
Thank you, Alma. Have a nice summer.
Arvo, try to leave the ladies alone.
Otherwise, there'll be hell to pay. - Of course.
Bye. - Bye.
Well, hello Seija.
You're still delivering the post.
What is our route? - First to Alahärmä. A tuning job.
Then to Ylihärmä. An organ needs servicing.
The 8-foot and 16-foot pipe valves are stuck -
and the woodpipes are clogged up.
There's a full renovation job in Köyrä.
In Köyrä... We've never been to Köyrä.
First we'll take a pump organ to Nurmo.
To Nurmo? The school of Ala-Yrvä?
Helena is there. - Yes, she is.
Each tiny floweret whispers the great life-givers name
I have brought you an organ.
Thank you, children. You can go home already.
I have other things to do.
It's wonderful that you're here. But what if the headmaster comes?
Helena, it's been an eternity since I last kissed your lips -
felt your sensitive bosom -
and caressed the soft skin of your buttocks.
It's not the headmaster who will come soon.
Helena?
The pump organ is working now. - Thank you, Yrjö.
Thank you. - Yrjö?
Yes? - This will take a moment.
Okay, I'll wait for you in the car.
Helena? - Yes?
Have a nice summer. - Likewise.
Where are you, Helena?
Our pump organ has been serviced.
I must pump it immediately.
What is that sound coming from the map room?
Helena? Is something wrong?
What a sight.
Crikey, the pump organ repairman is pumping Helena with his organ.
It's as thick as a yardstick.
Get a grip, Isotalo.
And so went the summer.
Yrjö drove the car -
and Arvo drove women crazy.
Hello. Is something wrong?
Hello. We have a flat tyre. Do you happen to have a jack?
Sure, we have a jack for you.
I wonder if there are any raspberries in the bushes?
Let's check it out. - Yes.
I'm Wolf Scout leader Peter Ramfeld.
Heidi is a Bunny Scout leader from Munkkiniemi.
We were on our way to a jamboree, when our tyre blew out.
I'm a knot course instructor and Heidi is running a first aid course.
I might get to go to sauna with Heidi tonight.
What was that? A badger? A pine marten?
Sounds like it. - That's not a pine marten.
Maybe it's a rutting badger. - That's not a badger.
Was that all? - Yes. Thanks for the help.
Everyone' happy now.
Get in the car, Heidi.
Okay then...
I had trouble writing my story -
because I had been on a bender the whole summer.
I had been travelling around Finland on The Sensationalist' tab -
and was stuck in a motel somewhere in Northern Ostrobothnia.
But one evening, the action picked up.
Two organ repairmen came in, Yrjö Kortesmäki -
and Arvo Hakala, who was a superstud.
Half an hour later, and the waitress was ready and willing.
I never figured out why women were interested in Hakala -
but the waitress was like putty in his hands.
His singing sends butterflies to my stomach.
Oh dear me... - What is it?
Well...
Do you have fresh towels in your room?
Let's go and check it out.
Oh yes!
Hakala's downfall was the fact -
that this world is full of jealous and vengeful men.
Your friend is quite the ladies' man.
Well, I don't know about that.
We're organ repairmen. We're just doing our job.
Yrjö was a novice drinker, so I started buying him drinks -
and pumping him for information on Hakala's female encounters.
I realised that this is the story I'd been looking for.
"Superstud took the waitress' hand and guided her to the stairs -
leading to a sinful motel room."
"The waitress felt hot and cold waves going through her..."
"...body."
I have a sensational story for you. I'm sending it right away.
Don't puke on the floor! - I didn't do it on purpose.
I'm sorry. - I'm sending you a bill.
How can I contact you? - Call me on the porcelain phone.
Where' Raili? - She' taking a shower.
Shit! - What's wrong, Yrjö?
Should I drive today? - Gentlemen...
Where are you headed? - To Köyrä, I think.
To Köyrä? I'm going there, too.
Can I tag along?
Life on the road must be quite wild.
Well, all kinds of things happen along the way.
My life's not always this wild. - I can believe that.
I was so smitten but you gave me the mitten
La la la la la la, why did you make a fool out of me?
The organ repairmen, I presume. Welcome to Köyrä.
Our organ is in need of service. I'm cantor Sakari Äes.
Well, well, well. We have never serviced this organ.
The vicar has been stingy -
but soon our organ will be clean as a whistle. It's a lead-pipe cinch!
How come every other pedalboard key is broken?
There's a big wedding coming up. I'll be going up the aisle -
with a beautiful woman.
You're getting married? Congratulations.
I do!
I'm playing my trouser trumpet.
I'm the vicar of this parish. Rauno Ylämäki.
Hello. - Nice to meet you.
Are the organ repairmen busy at work?
Yes, they're tuning the organ.
Go tell them that there' a lunch waiting at the vicarage.
Elk soup. - Thanks for the invite.
What the hell? Your Camionnette's radiator is leaking.
I'm not a big fan of organ music.
Our Sakari is such a bad organ player -
that he can barely play any hymns -
let alone Christmas songs.
Okay, that's enough. But now our organ will be ready for the wedding.
An esteemed cantor is coming from Nurmo.
He knows all the wedding marches by heart.
Sakari told us about the wedding.
That's right. And it' going to be a big wedding.
My daughter Susanna and Sakari are getting married.
They're going to love each other till death does them part.
That was a good one!
Whoever is holding a fart, is keeping a secret.
And if shit doesn't stink, it' gone bad!
Bon appétit! - The vicarage was a madhouse.
We spent weeks in Köyrä.
The cantor had completely crushed the organ.
That'll do!
Yrjö and Arvo beavered away.
I must say, they were true professionals.
A little too high.
They were staying in the vicarage granary.
They slept all night and worked all day.
Oh yeah.
I decided to observe how the situation would unfold.
I lied to the vicar -
that I was a poet who needed a workroom.
I'm a poet who needs a workroom.
There's always room for a poet in our granary.
I know a poem.
I was just fifteen when I took my grandfather's life
I taught him a lesson by tickling his ribs with my knife
I wrote my best work in that granary.
"Finland's sinful summer", "Superstud"-
"Superstud and the three tarts", "Superstud sows his seeds"-
"The return of Superstud", "Superstud rides again"-
"Who is Superstud?" And "This is Superstud".
Those magazines sold like hot cakes, and I got my nickname, "Slop Bucket".
But then the story took an unexpected turn.
Arvo was a restless man. He couldn't sleep.
Good evening. - Good evening to you, too.
You play the saw beautifully. Fancy a walk this night?
I don't want to marry that farting ogre.
He behaves like a pig. And my father just laughs.
He thinks that Sakari is a funny guy.
You cannot force love to happen.
I want to run away.
Arvo, it is a new work day.
Today, we're going to polish organ pipes.
Arvo?
Is Arvo here?
Goddamn...
THIS IS SUPERSTUD
Fucking hell!
You rat!
Hello? This is headmaster Isotalo.
I have a question. - Ask away.
Is an organ repairman named Arvo Hakala repairing your organ?
Well... yes.
Do you read magazines?
Let's cut his balls off -
with a rusty fighting knife.
Susanna?
Susanna!
Where is Susanna? - Susanna!
Who is Susanna? - Susanna is Susanna!
Susanna! - I'm going to kill him!
I'm going to kill him! - Kill! Kill!
Arvo, wake up. You have to go now.
Susanna, I think I love you.
I love you too, Arvo.
Where is he? - Where is that lothario?
Is he in the cupboard?
I'm going to kill him!
Rauno, do you have heavier weapons in the attic or under the floor?
I sure do.
Arvo!
What is this commotion?
Arvo, you're in trouble.
They're pissed off.
They hit the engine.
Yrjö, thanks for everything. I'm sorry.
It's time to break out the heavy artillery.
Sakari, a little to the left. - What?
Everyone, squeeze up a bit. Taneli, chin up.
Don't look into the camera. Say cheese.
Great.
Get the hell out of our way.
Superstud, your game's up. It's payback time!
Time to meet your maker, lothario!
I was so smitten but you gave me the mitten
La la la la la la, why did you make a fool out of me?
Are you happy now?
Arvo Hakala was remembered by Susanna, Yrjö and Rekku the dog.
Also a multitude of women paid their respects to a man -
who had brought joy to their everyday lives.
Ever since the funeral, there have been fresh flowers on his grave -
and an eternal flame.
That was the beginning of my career, but it' all over now.
Don't you want to order anything? - No. I've had enough.
Hey, you forgot your magazines.
INTERNATIONAL FUNDING F0R EXCALIBUR?
This is sub-par work. Who did the poster?
Me. It's not that bad.
I have to get a couple million. Otherwise, it' bye-bye life.
Has Make the Millionaire arrived? - No.
But the room is full of international sponsors.
Sometimes Igor has a little taster. How do you say it in English?
Well?
The Americans have left. They're so rude.
Do you have to talk over it? Now the Germans have left.
Achtung! Ze programm kontinues.
Lapland! You burned Rovaniemi.
Just to let you know, Make the Millionaire is now here.
Make is here. Great. - No, it's not.
What were you saying? - Make drank three bottles of booze.
He is shitfaced.
Fucking hell.
I have money!
Let's go. - I'm on the ceiling.
The cannibals get the shit kicked out of them.
I have a train to catch.
"I have a train to catch." Catch that train then!
What about your train? And your bus? - I have a dentist appointment.
Go catch your trains and buses! Go! The train is leaving!
Go! All aboard!
What kind of mistake?
Make! - Yeah?
The Japs say that Ögil killed John's father Bill in part II.
Ögil poisoned him.
Why didn't anyone tell me? - You never ask anything.
Dear Japs...
It was a great success.
Don't you fucking write about this. - Of course not.
Kurre. These Japanese gentlemen have something to say.
Screw Zero, Nagamoto, harakiri, kamikaze and banzai.
Soon we'll be hunting bears! We're tough as nails!
Hey, try to behave back there.
What the fuck?
We just got 18 million! Shut the fuck up, you flying monkey!
Don't you know who I am? John Excalibur!
I don't care! I have money.
I have so much money that even death is funny
I have such an expensive toy that even death brings me joy
Look at those country bumpkins.
Try to hit them.
Hey, flying monkey, land there.
We're getting out.
This is not your destination. - Do as Kurre tells you.
Land the whirlybird. - Land the whirlybird.
Land the whirlybird!
Daddy! A helo! The Vietnam War is starting!
Are you okay, boys? - Jeremias is fine.
Hesekiel is okay. They dropped a hundred kilos of napalm.
Don't exaggerate.
They're just arrogant arseholes from Helsinki.
Calm down.
More. A little bit more. That's good.
Guys, guess what this lake is called?
This is Jordan.
Make, let's booze.
A killer. Don't point it at me.
Good.
This is chamois from Mount Kilimanjaro. 400 euros a kilo.
I have a hundred kilos in the freezer.
Tender as fuck. Marbled chamois.
Let's leave the meat to cook and shoot some bears.
Take your CB radios. - Be quiet for a moment.
Shush! Listen.
The wilderness... It' so relaxing!
Where are the bears?
Put the safety on! - Where is it?
There's something wrong with my rifle.
A bullet hit momma's jar. - Esteri, my wife!
Father Isaskar, those townies have set up camp without permission.
Nobody camps here, with or without permission.
Calm down, boys. - But we're already calm.
Yeah, but more. I'm declaring a holy war.
Metusalem, bury these.
If you live by the elk rifle, you die by the elk rifle.
It's time to teach these fucktards a valuable lesson.
Throw them in there. - Thomas! Korhonen!
Don't move. They'll see you.
There's one of those vermin.
Look. The townies are surprisingly fast.
Lead it a little.
That's my boy!
Go get the body.
What is this thingy?
Shut up!
You townie monkey.
Wake up, Make!
Hello? Does anyone hear me? 0ver.
Hello. Over.
Hello. 0ur camp has been destroyed.
Crazy hillbillies are hunting us, just like in Deliverance.
I want to get the fuck out of here.
Come to the forest road, and we'll pick you up.
There's no need to use swear words. Help is on its way.
Thank you and goodbye. - Bye.
Did someone call for a rescue party?
He' zigzagging.
It's no use.
Kurre? - Kurre! Over here!
Kom here! - Great, Kurre!
Open this door. - Get pliers.
Shut up! You're going to wake them. - Kurre!
Kurre? - Are you leaving?
Shut up! You're going to wake the catapult guy up.
This bike has no chain.
Donkey Kong!
Kurre! - Help us!
Kurre! - Fuck off!
Hey, he's Excalibur.
The action man. Come.
Get away! Not you!
I'm going to make it. I'm a star.
Let's watch all the Excaliburfilms. Metusalem, bring us some mead.
Mead! - Mead!
Mead! - Mead.
What kind of mead? - Strong mead.
What are we going to watch next? - Part II.
But we just watched it. - We're watching it again.
You can fly. - No, not really.
Have a fish. - It's a stuntman.
You have flown a spaceship. - Have you seen trolls or orcs?
What? - Trolls and orcs.
Can you do anything? Do you know how to fence?
As a matter of fact, I know how to fence.
You need to know how to hold a sword.
I see.
Metusalem goes mental when he grabs a sword.
He' unbeatable. - He punctured Jeremias' eye.
I recommend a turtle defence, but I'm afraid it won't save you.
Nothing will save you. - Break a leg!
Let the tournament begin.
He'd probably need a stuntman. That's good!
That hit left his head spinning and ears ringing.
Great!
That was a cowardly move. A kick in the nuts from behind.
His nuts can't take such punishment.
Watch out! - He's behind you!
Hit him!
Done. - He's dead.
Thomas is dead. They killed Thomas!
They'll kill us all. They're going to lynkka us.
Shit! We're all going to dö.
I didn't want to go on a hunting trip!
Quit your whining! - Shut up!
Listen to them. - Let's cut this off first.
Then we'll stick the knife into the rectum.
We'll stick the knife deep inside and slice open the belly.
Like this. And have to be careful not to burst the gall bladder.
What is that white slime? - This is a male.
A man. - It's spunk.
Yes, it's semen.
Give these to the cat.
Pörri! - Then cut off the head.
They're going to eat us. They're cannibals.
What about the eyes and the brain? - This has no brains.
It's time to take you inside. - Everything's ready.
Everything. - Forgive me.
You have nothing to fear. - I love you guys.
Excalibur woke up.
He' a nice guy.
Give me some fish. Take off your hat.
Korhonen... he's alive.
I have to say that violence is golden.
Daddy! There are Japaneses in our garden.
It's a Lexus.
What the hell? Where am I?
More violence.
Kurre, I have a horrible hangover. I need something to drink.
There's some mead. - Guess how much money I have?
How much? - I don't know.
We spent another night at the Toukkas' -
drinking strong mead.
We became best of friends.
We're going to remember this lesson for the rest of our lives.
Respect your neighbour. All men are equally worthy.
Wash your hands before meals and finish your plate.
No singing at the dinner table.
Yes, but I've told you that there won't be more Excaliburfilms.
Silence. Rolling.
And action. - Raspberry fool is a tricky dish.
But you can also use other berries.
Add some sugar.
I'm using potato flour -
but if you can't eat it, you can use just about anything.
Arvo? Is that you, Arvo Hakala?
Slop Bucket.
How did you get out alive?
There was a cellar under the floorboards.
Good to hear.
It all worked out in the end.
Last one in the lake is a rotten egg!
Damn, I forgot to take off my watch.
Subtitles: Janne Mökkönen Broadcast Text International